Still feeling anxious. Right now, right this second, I feel physically pretty good. Stopped bleeding again, and am blissfully ibuprofened. I wonder if this is the pattern. Cramps, pain, bleed, cramps, pain, ease up. Then start over. Corey took the morning of the biopsy off so I can take half a xanax and not think about it. Then we’re driving to Niagara Falls the next day. That will be grand. I am very glad the bleeding stopped. I as starting to imagine what was actually in that blood. Is it just the overflowing uterine wall, or is it pieces of mutated tissue peeling off. What happens when cancerous tissues latch onto other parts of you? Too disturbing to think about. Maybe it’s actual pieces of my cervix getting eaten away by the acid that is my uterine wall. What if at some point chunks of my uterus start falling out? Way too much time to think between finding out there is a problem and what the problem is.
Gaining weight. still. again. I am now picturing my uterus as just getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Frankly, that’s what it feels like. I big old ball of mushiness, tucked away between my hips. All of my clothes are tight. My fingers and toes are swollen too. Don’t know why. I guess it could just be this 100 degree heat with 80% humidity but I am more comfortable blaming it on innards.
I’ve started cleaning out my protected list here on Xanga so if I want I can make this public at some point.
I miss being funny. I use to make people laugh all the time. Now, not so much. Life is just dragging me down into unfunnyness.
Hopefully things will be back to normal soon. I like feeling bubbly and happy and enjoying what I have at this moment. This very second is one that I will never get to do again. It’s like a beautifully wrapped gift. Once you open it and see what’s inside you can never get that feeling of wonder and anticipation back again. Right this second there was a change in the air flow in the room, perhaps from a door opening down the hallway or the ventilation system turning on or off, and I smelled my hair. It smells nice from my WEN Pomegranate. Or just now I noticed that I am hungry! I don’t feel hunger that often. I eat too regularly. Now I can anticipate the decadent cookie I will treat myself to at 2:00 in our buildings lunchroom while a Costco rep tries to sign me up. And now I can anticipate a trip to Costco! I have been debating a membership and this seems like the perfect opportunity.
Do you have a cache of things that make you weak inside with happy, or joy, or lust, or just any feeling that is good? You know, memories you can pull out when you just need to do a mood reset? I have some. Most of them involve memories of my children when they were small. Memories of little tiny bodies curling up into my side just to be by my side. I have other memories that are happy, of course, but most of those are not something I could share with friends in print. Goodness, I blush just thinking about it. Some parts of my life are actually things I don’t talk about in public, can you believe it?
If you just keep enjoying each and every second then eventually, it’s Cookie time!