Very Short version, Had day 1 of chemo & radiation on Thursday, went well. No massive side effects (yet) today had day 2 of radiation and it was fine as well though I am exhausted from being up all night on steroids!
Today I offended someone with a slightly too full of biting wit email. Then I felt bad. I have to be careful with emailing people because I do so enjoy writing sometimes. Not at work, I’m very careful and work and try to stay very unfunny. Humor is too relative. One persons joke is anothers insult or law suit worthy offense!
I made a nice lady in my office cry. She came into my office to check on me because we’ve been out of the office so much. I told her about my upcoming radiation/chemo and this is when I found out a friend of hers recently died from ovarian cancer. We had a nice talk though. Her friend was very very private and she didn’t share any of her experiences. I think it left my visitor a little confused and befuddled. I told her she can come ask me anything, anytime and I’ll tell her what I’m feeling or experiencing. I think we all have figured out that I’m not shy about these things. It shouldn’t be a mystery. It’s not some sort of Scarlet C that needs to be hidden and not talked about it. I’m sorry, I know it’s scary, it is for me too, but things that we don’t talk about develop a power of their own that they really don’t deserve to have.
I find that I don’t mind people being concerned about me, and I don’t mind them giving me gentle advice; “make sure you rest when you need to” “try to eat small meals frequently” “don’t push yourself too hard” but I start to get uppity when people say something and then push push push it at you. It’s almost as if they want me to be weak and are offended that I am going to try and not just curl up in my bed for a couple of months. Maybe I won’t be able to. Maybe in three days I’ll find that I can’t eat or move or drive and all I want to do is sleep. But geesh…let me try to stay strong and be me. Bastards. (I realized yesterday that I really don’t swear nearly enough anymore!)
Tomorrow will probably be the last day that I “do” my hair. I will stop blow drying it, and brushing it harshly and instead treat it with love & respect and gentleness in hopes that it decides to remain on my head! It will be odd to go au’ natural on a daily basis.
I was trying to logic my way through my fears of chemo and yesterday I realized that mostly what I’m afraid of is vomiting. I am a queasy kind of person to begin with so if anyone is going to throw up, it will be me. So then I tried to figure out why I was afraid of it. I realized that a part of me thinks if I’m vomiting they will have to stop, or it won’t work as well. Once I realized that, I could explain calmly to myself that it wasn’t true. It will still work exactly the same. So, now I’m good. If I vomit, I vomit. Just don’t stand to close. I do however promise not to take pictures of that! (shock)
I had my dry run radiation treatment today. Supposed to be the whole process except they don’t turn on the machine. Except I didn’t. I got there and I was not on the schedule. Something went wrong and I was no longer scheduled for the dry run. She said they will do it tomorrow, and then turn it on. So I said okay, then I’ll see you tomorrow at 10:30 am for the chemo and she said, no it’s scheduled for 10:00 am. So out of the two phone calls I got last week scheduling chemo & radiation, they were both wrong. I do not believe this is an auspicious beginning!
At least I get my own parking space.
To reward myself for this debaucle I am having Jimmy Johns for lunch. #13 Veggie Sub, on Wheat bread. Minus Lettuce & Mayo. Add extra cucumbers, tomato and dijon mustard. Num!
Pictures cleaned off of my phone.
When I work from home this is what I see all day. She loves it when I’m in bed working.
This is what our big dog looked like after 10 minutes at the vet. She exhausted herself!
I love the colors of Fall in Ohio.
Lunch is done! Back to work.
One Step Back!
It’s not the quickest way to get somewhere but you still get there.
It’s a good day to not do too much. I didn’t sleep well and I’m extra sore today. Not really bad, just sorer (is that a word?) than I was a couple of days ago.
I will blame it on work, certainly not on purse shopping!
After my son told me to install steam and create an account I added one “friend”. It was Brad, my office mate. He gifted me two games. Now I have three new games to play! I haven’t had a chance to see how this will work on my netbook, if at all, but I am hopeful that instead of spending productive time while sitting with IV’s every Thursdays I will play GAMES! I am already stuck on one puzzle in the one game, which has a name…um…safecracker something.
I am determined to buy myself a new purse. I will go to Elder Beermans at lunch today and look. I need a bag big enough to carry all of my normal stuff plus extra electronics and necessaries for the time spent during treatment. Granted I could use a nice plain tote bag, but I am not going to! My office building actually shares a parking lot with Sears & Elder Beerman. I should shop there more often.
I feel rather like I am preparing for a journey. Getting all of my ducks in a row before the six weeks where one thing takes priority over every other thing.
I am wearing my big girl shoes today. It finally got cold enough that I was forced to wear pants. I have one pair now that fit me comfortably. It is amazing how long it takes to heal and unswell.
Since I started this I in fact made good on my plans for lunch of purse shopping at Elder Beerman. My daughter stopped by the office so she came with me. Nice purse, bright red, big enough to hold all my stuff fashionably, 40% off, then an additional 20% off! They are having their Goodwill sale but I didn’t bring anything! They just applied the coupon code. I didn’t notice till I got back to the office. This allowed me to buy a nicer quality with no guilt. W00t!
I have ridden my stationary bike for the last three days. I can only ride for 15 minutes at a time so far. I am going back to yoga on Wednesday night hopefully.
I was feeling a little rough this morning. I wrote cancer poetry in my head from 4am to 5am. I now picture cancer as red. It looks like the creatures from The Village.
This morning eBags let me know that bags were 25% off today so they were trying to cheer me up. Then I did something I don’t normally do and when my husband, and then later my son, asked me how I was feeling I told them I was feeling kind of sad.
My husband did the Bluto dance. (from Animal House, not Popeye) then let me discuss my love of purses. I love to just look at Anuschka bags. I would never buy one,but they are beautiful. Then he went to work on my iTunes library and cleaned it all up for me.
When I told my son I was feeling sad he told me to install the Steam program. It’s a site filled with games! I love games.
I am feeling better now.
Oh, and as a public service announcement, Phyllo dough, spinach & feta pie does not reheat well for breakfast.
I hope you’ve had a wonderful week. Did you get everything accomplished that you wanted to? It’s hard to find time isn’t it? I seem to have developed a new sense of time. It goes by so very quickly. The last couple of weeks I felt like I was doing a count-down. The end point being the day that I start radiation & chemo. I know that it will have to take over my life for a couple of months, it will take precedence over every other single thing. While I was working in Texas I got the phone call from my radiation group letting me know radiation treatments would start next week. I was disappointed because I was hoping for one more week to get things taken care of. Then thirty minutes later the chemo group called to say my chemo would start on the same day. I had an unexpected reaction. It felt like someone slugged me in the stomach. The rest of the day it was as if I was re-playing the day that I was diagnosed. I don’t know why. I felt bad for the rest of the people with me.
I felt better 24 hours later, and even better 48 hour later. That seems to be my pattern it takes me two days. My time speed up though has now turned extreme! It’s like a weird Dr. Who thing. I don’t want to waste a second doing things that can be put off. I want to do the things that I might not feel up to doing instead. Today though someone else needs to be taken care of first. My big dog has horrible ear infections so off to the vet this morning to get her ears cleaned. Then home to shower, (don’t ever bother showering before your dog goes to the vet if she is big and a scaredy cat) and then off to the movies and the grocery store. We are going to see the new Brad Pitt football movie. We both want to see the new Seth Rogen, Joseph-Gorden Leavitt movie but I’m thinking I may have to wait for the DVD. I think it may be too much for me. I may change my mind because it really looks good!
Have I told you how wonderful my family is? Everyone has been concerned and caring and trying to help. My husband has been fantastic. He gives me whatever I want, and takes care of me. My son is concerned and caring and attentive. My daughter is my rock. I know she will always react exactly as I need her to. My sister is perfect, you all know how I feel about my sister. She is my best friend.
I have stories & pictures from Texas. Sadly, they are all on my other computer!
Go do something nice for yourself today.
My entire office packed up and came to Texas for a week to meet up with a few others and work out of our Plano office. So Tired and so full of food. Still at work but I thought I would share a picture of us at a fantastic dinner hosted by our Swedish visitors to celebrate a company anniversary. The picture does not quite capture the whole table so some are missing.
Brad, Per, Steve, Reinaldo, Jason, Paul & Tracy
Hmmm, I can’t tell from the picture if I am holding the champagne or the wine. It’s a tough job. 🙂
These are my puppies staring at me the other day. they have been practicing transferring the word FOOD to me using only their eyes. I think it’s pretty effective.
Yesterday my sister took me to TEDXBGSU then to dinner at Happy Badger Restaurant. The ultimate in Retro Hippy. Whenever I think of the name I think Angry Beavers, which is not the same thing. Xanga should add the ability to add all picture in reverse date or title order. So here is my day in reverse.
The first two pictures are actually pictures of the bathroom at the restaurant! It was cute.
Vegetable Stew with a biscuit. It was really good but I have two complaints. The meal with the addition of a small cup of coffee (plus $0.50 for a refill) was $9.00. I don’t mind paying for good food, but for that much you have to appear to give value. The coffee refills should be free with a meal, and of all things to cut costs on, they give you a half of a ridiculously good biscuit. We all know how much coffee costs, and this was really expensive for coffee, I think they may have even charged me for cream for the coffee. The “stew” was also not a stew, it was soup. Good soup, but still a soup. It was a really really good dinner, but not worth $9.50 plus the $1.00 i threw into the tip jar, sorry.
Hummus veggie plate, and my niece.
Other people who were entirely too cool to smile when they looked at us.
Erin and Allie ordering.
This was lunch at Ted. Very tasty locally grown organic salad & homemade bread! The yellow stuff is roasted beets. I normally do not like beets but I would definitely eat these again.
My sister. when I showed up at her house at 7:30 freaking am, we were wearing matching clothes. AGAIN. I looked almost like this but wearing everything in black instead of white. Sigh..
Audience shots during a break.
I think they put this guy on to make me feel at home. He was from Sweden. He was talking about the US sad predicament of money spent on healthcare. There is so much waste in healthcare costs vs benefits received that if the US cleaned this up the federal government could actually remove the deficit. And the amount of money that private payers pay would be reduced drastically, enough to significantly change the bottom line of a company’s balance sheet. Healthcare is one of my hot button issues. I’m sorry but until you really talked to people from other countries and hear about how their healthcare systems actually work you don’t understand how bad ours can really be. We are inundating by false information from the US press, politicians and healthcare conglomerates saying that our system is so much better, and it’s just not. It’s filled with a whole lot of people making a whole lot of money while a whole bunch of other people can’t get the help they need to stay alive. You either have to “work” the system or you have to be lucky enough to have an employer willing to pay a lot of money for good insurance.
There were 20 speakers, some of them were fantastic and educational and inspirational. Some weren’t.
Before the lecture series started.
I bought this mirror at the Hippy restaurant. It is such a perfect match for my wall!
Courtesy of Brad:
Picture of an inbred cat.
Tough day today. I had my Radiation simulation. It involves a lot of barium, and IV dye in the back of the hand and CAT scan and Xrays and sharpies, and tattoo’s and exams and horrible things. Really all around unpleasant. I think I have a mad crush on my new Doctor though. That’s awkward. He’s a little cutie and so nice! Well worth the chemo and radiation to see him weekly. I came home after lunch to work from my desk on the couch. Just sore and creepy feeling.
It sounds like it may all start before the 1st which puts a damper on my quick trip to Iowa to look in on the call center we use. I dunno. We’ll see. They’re going to try to schedule all of my treatments in the afternoon so I can work in the morning and then go back to work after treatments on the days I feel good.
I had a very brief conversation with someone today that made me go arm myself with facts about my choice to do chemo & radiation. In clinical trials, women (cause not a whole lotta men get cervical cancer) who had radiation therapy in tandem with Chemotherapy using Cisplatin had almost double the survival rate as women who had only radiation. My doctor is THE doctor for gynecological cancers in this region. I have to trust him. And my Radiologist Doc aside from being nice to hang out with is apparently some sort of genius, so between the two of them, I gotta go with it.
It’s tough. The reoccurence rate for my particular spread and type is unfortunately quite high. I guess I kind of assume I’ll be dealing with this again. I just hope it’s a long time from now and show’s up in as inoccuous a spot as possible. Is that weird for other people to hear? After the two weeks worth of investigation and biopsies when I found out how much worse than they originally thought, i I just accepted that this is probably the thing that I will someday die from. I just don’t plan on it being anytime soon. Of course we all know what happens to the best laid plans.
Wow..that’s really not a giggly type of post today is it. I told you! Tough day today. An hour laying in a CAT scan machine is really enough to. at least temporarily, take the fun out of anything.
I bought my husband an iPod touch. He really seems to like it. That makes me happy. It’ll be nice for long waiting room sits. He can hop on the free wifi and read sports to his hearts content while listening to his loud depressing music. His is bettter than mine. It has the camera. I should have wiped mine and swapped.
Wait!!! Sometimes I want to apologize for talking about this incessantly, but then I think that if I didn’t have a place to talk about it, a place to make it less internal, I would just curl up in a ball and give up. It’s not that I’m looking for sympathy, or for people to tell me how wonderful and brave I am, it’s just that I need to type out the things I am thinking and feeling. It’s my release. I can take these things from my brain and paint a picture in my little lavender square here and then I’ve gotten it out, and it belongs here now. So for those of you who stop by regularly, please don’t feel like you have to be encourging and strong, I’m okay. Really. I just need to get things out. Maybe I’ll make this the end paragraph on all my blogs so I don’t feel the need to keep saying it over and over.
Did you ever think about blogging in addition to Facebook? In my experience people blog for a variety of reasons. I started blogging a few years ago because I just needed some interaction with people on my own terms, so I blog and I also actively read and comment on other blogs to build that circle and those relationships.
Some people blog just because they need to talk. They need to just get everything out of their system. They talk about their daily lives, their families, their sicknesses. You’re very creative and I know you’re going though a rough time right now medcially speaking but I think after a while of getting all of that out of your system in writing, you might enjoy the interaction with people.
I think you write well and I think you could be a good blogger! It’s not for everyone and I think about 70% of the people stop after a week but you never know, it might just be your thing.
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