Very Short version, Had day 1 of chemo & radiation on Thursday, went well. No massive side effects (yet) today had day 2 of radiation and it was fine as well though I am exhausted from being up all night on steroids!
Today I offended someone with a slightly too full of biting wit email. Then I felt bad. I have to be careful with emailing people because I do so enjoy writing sometimes. Not at work, I’m very careful and work and try to stay very unfunny. Humor is too relative. One persons joke is anothers insult or law suit worthy offense!
I made a nice lady in my office cry. She came into my office to check on me because we’ve been out of the office so much. I told her about my upcoming radiation/chemo and this is when I found out a friend of hers recently died from ovarian cancer. We had a nice talk though. Her friend was very very private and she didn’t share any of her experiences. I think it left my visitor a little confused and befuddled. I told her she can come ask me anything, anytime and I’ll tell her what I’m feeling or experiencing. I think we all have figured out that I’m not shy about these things. It shouldn’t be a mystery. It’s not some sort of Scarlet C that needs to be hidden and not talked about it. I’m sorry, I know it’s scary, it is for me too, but things that we don’t talk about develop a power of their own that they really don’t deserve to have.
I find that I don’t mind people being concerned about me, and I don’t mind them giving me gentle advice; “make sure you rest when you need to” “try to eat small meals frequently” “don’t push yourself too hard” but I start to get uppity when people say something and then push push push it at you. It’s almost as if they want me to be weak and are offended that I am going to try and not just curl up in my bed for a couple of months. Maybe I won’t be able to. Maybe in three days I’ll find that I can’t eat or move or drive and all I want to do is sleep. But geesh…let me try to stay strong and be me. Bastards. (I realized yesterday that I really don’t swear nearly enough anymore!)
Tomorrow will probably be the last day that I “do” my hair. I will stop blow drying it, and brushing it harshly and instead treat it with love & respect and gentleness in hopes that it decides to remain on my head! It will be odd to go au’ natural on a daily basis.
I was trying to logic my way through my fears of chemo and yesterday I realized that mostly what I’m afraid of is vomiting. I am a queasy kind of person to begin with so if anyone is going to throw up, it will be me. So then I tried to figure out why I was afraid of it. I realized that a part of me thinks if I’m vomiting they will have to stop, or it won’t work as well. Once I realized that, I could explain calmly to myself that it wasn’t true. It will still work exactly the same. So, now I’m good. If I vomit, I vomit. Just don’t stand to close. I do however promise not to take pictures of that! (shock)
I had my dry run radiation treatment today. Supposed to be the whole process except they don’t turn on the machine. Except I didn’t. I got there and I was not on the schedule. Something went wrong and I was no longer scheduled for the dry run. She said they will do it tomorrow, and then turn it on. So I said okay, then I’ll see you tomorrow at 10:30 am for the chemo and she said, no it’s scheduled for 10:00 am. So out of the two phone calls I got last week scheduling chemo & radiation, they were both wrong. I do not believe this is an auspicious beginning!
At least I get my own parking space.
To reward myself for this debaucle I am having Jimmy Johns for lunch. #13 Veggie Sub, on Wheat bread. Minus Lettuce & Mayo. Add extra cucumbers, tomato and dijon mustard. Num!
Pictures cleaned off of my phone.
When I work from home this is what I see all day. She loves it when I’m in bed working.
This is what our big dog looked like after 10 minutes at the vet. She exhausted herself!
I love the colors of Fall in Ohio.
Lunch is done! Back to work.
One Step Back!
It’s not the quickest way to get somewhere but you still get there.
It’s a good day to not do too much. I didn’t sleep well and I’m extra sore today. Not really bad, just sorer (is that a word?) than I was a couple of days ago.
I will blame it on work, certainly not on purse shopping!
After my son told me to install steam and create an account I added one “friend”. It was Brad, my office mate. He gifted me two games. Now I have three new games to play! I haven’t had a chance to see how this will work on my netbook, if at all, but I am hopeful that instead of spending productive time while sitting with IV’s every Thursdays I will play GAMES! I am already stuck on one puzzle in the one game, which has a name…um…safecracker something.
I am determined to buy myself a new purse. I will go to Elder Beermans at lunch today and look. I need a bag big enough to carry all of my normal stuff plus extra electronics and necessaries for the time spent during treatment. Granted I could use a nice plain tote bag, but I am not going to! My office building actually shares a parking lot with Sears & Elder Beerman. I should shop there more often.
I feel rather like I am preparing for a journey. Getting all of my ducks in a row before the six weeks where one thing takes priority over every other thing.
I am wearing my big girl shoes today. It finally got cold enough that I was forced to wear pants. I have one pair now that fit me comfortably. It is amazing how long it takes to heal and unswell.
Since I started this I in fact made good on my plans for lunch of purse shopping at Elder Beerman. My daughter stopped by the office so she came with me. Nice purse, bright red, big enough to hold all my stuff fashionably, 40% off, then an additional 20% off! They are having their Goodwill sale but I didn’t bring anything! They just applied the coupon code. I didn’t notice till I got back to the office. This allowed me to buy a nicer quality with no guilt. W00t!
I have ridden my stationary bike for the last three days. I can only ride for 15 minutes at a time so far. I am going back to yoga on Wednesday night hopefully.
I was feeling a little rough this morning. I wrote cancer poetry in my head from 4am to 5am. I now picture cancer as red. It looks like the creatures from The Village.
This morning eBags let me know that bags were 25% off today so they were trying to cheer me up. Then I did something I don’t normally do and when my husband, and then later my son, asked me how I was feeling I told them I was feeling kind of sad.
My husband did the Bluto dance. (from Animal House, not Popeye) then let me discuss my love of purses. I love to just look at Anuschka bags. I would never buy one,but they are beautiful. Then he went to work on my iTunes library and cleaned it all up for me.
When I told my son I was feeling sad he told me to install the Steam program. It’s a site filled with games! I love games.
I am feeling better now.
Oh, and as a public service announcement, Phyllo dough, spinach & feta pie does not reheat well for breakfast.
I hope you’ve had a wonderful week. Did you get everything accomplished that you wanted to? It’s hard to find time isn’t it? I seem to have developed a new sense of time. It goes by so very quickly. The last couple of weeks I felt like I was doing a count-down. The end point being the day that I start radiation & chemo. I know that it will have to take over my life for a couple of months, it will take precedence over every other single thing. While I was working in Texas I got the phone call from my radiation group letting me know radiation treatments would start next week. I was disappointed because I was hoping for one more week to get things taken care of. Then thirty minutes later the chemo group called to say my chemo would start on the same day. I had an unexpected reaction. It felt like someone slugged me in the stomach. The rest of the day it was as if I was re-playing the day that I was diagnosed. I don’t know why. I felt bad for the rest of the people with me.
I felt better 24 hours later, and even better 48 hour later. That seems to be my pattern it takes me two days. My time speed up though has now turned extreme! It’s like a weird Dr. Who thing. I don’t want to waste a second doing things that can be put off. I want to do the things that I might not feel up to doing instead. Today though someone else needs to be taken care of first. My big dog has horrible ear infections so off to the vet this morning to get her ears cleaned. Then home to shower, (don’t ever bother showering before your dog goes to the vet if she is big and a scaredy cat) and then off to the movies and the grocery store. We are going to see the new Brad Pitt football movie. We both want to see the new Seth Rogen, Joseph-Gorden Leavitt movie but I’m thinking I may have to wait for the DVD. I think it may be too much for me. I may change my mind because it really looks good!
Have I told you how wonderful my family is? Everyone has been concerned and caring and trying to help. My husband has been fantastic. He gives me whatever I want, and takes care of me. My son is concerned and caring and attentive. My daughter is my rock. I know she will always react exactly as I need her to. My sister is perfect, you all know how I feel about my sister. She is my best friend.
I have stories & pictures from Texas. Sadly, they are all on my other computer!
Go do something nice for yourself today.
My entire office packed up and came to Texas for a week to meet up with a few others and work out of our Plano office. So Tired and so full of food. Still at work but I thought I would share a picture of us at a fantastic dinner hosted by our Swedish visitors to celebrate a company anniversary. The picture does not quite capture the whole table so some are missing.
Brad, Per, Steve, Reinaldo, Jason, Paul & Tracy
Hmmm, I can’t tell from the picture if I am holding the champagne or the wine. It’s a tough job. 🙂
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