Things and stuff..

Today I offended someone with a slightly too full of biting wit email. Then I felt bad. I have to be careful with emailing people because I do so enjoy writing sometimes. Not at work, I’m very careful and work and try to stay very unfunny. Humor is too relative. One persons joke is anothers insult or law suit worthy offense!

I made a nice lady in my office cry.  She came into my office to check on me because we’ve been out of the office so much. I told her about my upcoming radiation/chemo and this is when I found out a friend of hers recently died from ovarian cancer. We had a nice talk though. Her friend was very very private and she didn’t share any of her experiences. I think it left my visitor a little confused and befuddled. I told her she can come ask me anything, anytime and I’ll tell her what I’m feeling or experiencing. I think we all have figured out that I’m not shy about these things. It shouldn’t be a mystery. It’s not some sort of Scarlet C that needs to be hidden and not talked about it. I’m sorry, I know it’s scary, it is for me too, but things that we don’t talk about develop a power of their own that they really don’t deserve to have.

I find that I don’t mind people being concerned about me, and I don’t mind them giving me gentle advice; “make sure you rest when you need to” “try to eat small meals frequently” “don’t push yourself too hard” but I start to get uppity when people say something and then push push push it at you. It’s almost as if they want me to be weak and are offended that I am going to try and not just curl up in my bed for a couple of months. Maybe I won’t be able to. Maybe in three days I’ll find that I can’t eat or move or drive and all I want to do is sleep. But geesh…let me try to stay strong and be me.  Bastards. (I realized yesterday that I really don’t swear nearly enough anymore!)

Tomorrow will probably be the last day that I “do” my hair. I will stop blow drying it, and brushing it harshly and instead treat it with love & respect and gentleness in hopes that it decides to remain on my head! It will be odd to go au’ natural on a daily basis.

I was trying to logic my way through my fears of chemo and yesterday I realized that mostly what I’m afraid of is vomiting. I am a queasy kind of person to begin with so if anyone is going to throw up, it will be me. So then I tried to figure out why I was afraid of it. I realized that a part of me thinks if I’m vomiting they will have to stop, or it won’t work as well. Once I realized that, I could explain calmly to myself that it wasn’t true.  It will still work exactly the same. So, now I’m good. If I vomit, I vomit.  Just don’t stand to close. I do however promise not to take pictures of that! (shock)


 I had my dry run radiation treatment today. Supposed to be the whole process except they don’t turn on the machine.  Except I didn’t. I got there and I was not on the schedule. Something went wrong and I was no longer scheduled for the dry run. She said they will do it tomorrow, and then turn it on. So I said okay, then I’ll see you tomorrow at 10:30 am for the chemo and she said, no it’s scheduled for 10:00 am.  So out of the two phone calls I got last week scheduling chemo & radiation, they were both wrong.  I do not believe this is an auspicious beginning!

At least I get my own parking space.


To reward myself for this debaucle I am having Jimmy Johns for lunch.  #13 Veggie Sub, on Wheat bread. Minus Lettuce & Mayo. Add extra cucumbers, tomato and dijon mustard. Num!

Pictures cleaned off of my phone.

When I work from home this is what I see all day. She loves it when I’m in bed working.


This is what our big dog looked like after 10 minutes at the vet. She exhausted herself!








I love the colors of Fall in Ohio.


Lunch is done! Back to work.

Comments on: "Things and stuff.." (0)

  1. I HATE TO VOMIT…when I think of anyone having chemo…I think of vomit and that is my fear too.  Obviously, I’m here for you to make you feel better about it!!Thanks for this post…because of course, I can make it all about me…there have been some things I have said that I hoped weren’t to irreverant…I didn’t think it would be for you but anyone who read the comments might think I was a porous, unfeeling bitch.  Humor is so much a relief valve!

  2. @Ninasusan – You make me laugh and I think you probably suffer mightily from feeling too much. If I ever get the urge to take a picture in the midst of vomiting I will think of you and instead take a picture of the blister on my foot.

  3. I usually laugh when I vomit, but that is because I have usually been up to no good. My Mom’s best friend had chemo, and never felt anything but a general “run down-ed-ness,” so there’s hope! I think it is amazing that you are going in with eyes wide open.Your dogs are the cutest, especially the big one.

  4. @Mom_with_a_Chainsaw – I do much better when prepared. I dislike surprises!  Laughing vomitting sounds absolutely disgusting and familiar. πŸ˜‰

  5. I think if you have a problem with nausea, they will give you medication for that.  Maybe it won’t even be an issue.@Ninasusan – @tracy – I can’t do humor online so I think I come off pretty namby pamby.  I think when people know the online me and spend some quality time with me in person they are pretty surprised, even then I still tone it down a lot.  I love reading you Nina.  You say what I don’t have the guts to and I love it.For me it is the Scarlet C.  I find it so hard to say.  Sometimes I want to ask you something but I fear if I do, I will bring up something you don’t want to think about.What is natural for your hair – is it wavy?  Will it be hard for you not to style it?  The corn and squash pictures are so beautiful.  And the doggies are too cute.I’m sending you good vibes for a restful night tonight and that all goes well tomorrow. ❀

  6. @skanickadee – There is nothing you can not ask me. Period. I’ve known you for so long now and we always seem to understand each other. There is also nothing I haven’t already thought about. It’s always running through my mind so I really can not imagine there isn’t anything that I haven’t already worked through in my head.My hair is very very wavy and very thin! It looks like I use a crimping iron on it if I don’t dry it. It looks nice wet but once it dries it gets fuzzy and just looks like it needs conditioner. πŸ™‚ I think it’s grown about an inch in the last month, it’s below my shoulder blades now. It’s crazy! It must be something about the surgery.I love the colors on the indian corn. The first one has an ear of corn on the right that the individual kernels look like pearls. Not so much in the picture maybe, but in person they were so pretty!

  7. Puppies and corn and gourds make me happy. I’m good at listening to advice but I have a breaking point, too. I couldn’t tell you objectively where it is, but people who really care about me and listen to me figure it out really quickly. Of course I wish you the best, and I’ll try not to walk on tiptoe around you. Humor is important and infinitely moreso in times of crisis.My cheesily optimistic approach to your scheduling fiasco: a dismal dress rehearsal means it’ll be a stellar performance. (That’s right, I did theater, sort of.)

  8. @BoureeMusique – I hadn’t thought about that, and I should have.  A bad dress rehearsal is always a sign of good things to come!

  9. What a powerful statement:  “..things that we don’t talk about develop a power of their own that they really don’t deserve to have.”  True for everything, Tracy.  Good luck with your upcoming treatments.  I will be sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

  10. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow, sending prayers and good vibes thru the universe and straight to you! Wishing you the best. Last year I had 2 relatives go thru chemo, one said her first time was awful and after that it didn’t bother her at all. The other never really had trouble with it at all. The first one was nothing she said and everyone was afraid it would get worse but it never did. I will hope for that for you and if it’s not so great, maybe it’ll only be the once…I’m so glad for you that you were in such good shape before all this, it has to help.I’m glad you’re comfortable enough with yourself to be so open about what you’re going thru. i know ppl who aren’t and I don’t think it helps them or anyone around them.I love your pics! The indian corn is so pretty. and your big black dog made me laugh, he looks exhausted! The beagle is so cute. When my daughter had her tonsils out, she stayed here for a few days and that dog would just curl up with her all day. Bratty as those beagles are, they’re awful sweet. Good luck tomorrow…just think, this time tomorrow, it’ll be over and done with.

  11. good luck with your dry-wet run chemo tomorrow.  wow.. it’s FALL there, aint it? 

  12. Note on hair during chermo. Some times it’s just not fair, my sister lost all her hair and my brother didn’t lose any. Go figure. Men can go bald and look cool but us women we just look… well bald. Advantage was she got a great wig and looked smashing all the time!

  13. Wishing you my very best with your treatments, Tracy. I know exactly what you mean about people such the ones you’ve written of. I’ve had just about a gutful of some people that have a control freak attitude towards others. Give it back to them – they deserve it, and it makes you feel a whole lot better as well I know! The dogs are gorgeous!

  14. I am vomit phobic, but sometimes life just makes you deal with barf.  Be as well as you can and take each day in steps.  Wish I could think of something wise, Lois.

  15. I don’t know if its legal in your state or not, but (medical) marijuana is the best thing for stopping the nausea. Its main side effect is it gives you the munchies, which may or may not be a bad thing!  

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