Today I offended someone with a slightly too full of biting wit email. Then I felt bad. I have to be careful with emailing people because I do so enjoy writing sometimes. Not at work, I’m very careful and work and try to stay very unfunny. Humor is too relative. One persons joke is anothers insult or law suit worthy offense!
I made a nice lady in my office cry. She came into my office to check on me because we’ve been out of the office so much. I told her about my upcoming radiation/chemo and this is when I found out a friend of hers recently died from ovarian cancer. We had a nice talk though. Her friend was very very private and she didn’t share any of her experiences. I think it left my visitor a little confused and befuddled. I told her she can come ask me anything, anytime and I’ll tell her what I’m feeling or experiencing. I think we all have figured out that I’m not shy about these things. It shouldn’t be a mystery. It’s not some sort of Scarlet C that needs to be hidden and not talked about it. I’m sorry, I know it’s scary, it is for me too, but things that we don’t talk about develop a power of their own that they really don’t deserve to have.
I find that I don’t mind people being concerned about me, and I don’t mind them giving me gentle advice; “make sure you rest when you need to” “try to eat small meals frequently” “don’t push yourself too hard” but I start to get uppity when people say something and then push push push it at you. It’s almost as if they want me to be weak and are offended that I am going to try and not just curl up in my bed for a couple of months. Maybe I won’t be able to. Maybe in three days I’ll find that I can’t eat or move or drive and all I want to do is sleep. But geesh…let me try to stay strong and be me. Bastards. (I realized yesterday that I really don’t swear nearly enough anymore!)
Tomorrow will probably be the last day that I “do” my hair. I will stop blow drying it, and brushing it harshly and instead treat it with love & respect and gentleness in hopes that it decides to remain on my head! It will be odd to go au’ natural on a daily basis.
I was trying to logic my way through my fears of chemo and yesterday I realized that mostly what I’m afraid of is vomiting. I am a queasy kind of person to begin with so if anyone is going to throw up, it will be me. So then I tried to figure out why I was afraid of it. I realized that a part of me thinks if I’m vomiting they will have to stop, or it won’t work as well. Once I realized that, I could explain calmly to myself that it wasn’t true. It will still work exactly the same. So, now I’m good. If I vomit, I vomit. Just don’t stand to close. I do however promise not to take pictures of that! (shock)
I had my dry run radiation treatment today. Supposed to be the whole process except they don’t turn on the machine. Except I didn’t. I got there and I was not on the schedule. Something went wrong and I was no longer scheduled for the dry run. She said they will do it tomorrow, and then turn it on. So I said okay, then I’ll see you tomorrow at 10:30 am for the chemo and she said, no it’s scheduled for 10:00 am. So out of the two phone calls I got last week scheduling chemo & radiation, they were both wrong. I do not believe this is an auspicious beginning!
At least I get my own parking space.
To reward myself for this debaucle I am having Jimmy Johns for lunch. #13 Veggie Sub, on Wheat bread. Minus Lettuce & Mayo. Add extra cucumbers, tomato and dijon mustard. Num!
Pictures cleaned off of my phone.
When I work from home this is what I see all day. She loves it when I’m in bed working.
This is what our big dog looked like after 10 minutes at the vet. She exhausted herself!
I love the colors of Fall in Ohio.
Lunch is done! Back to work.