I’ll put this one protected for awhile just in case I say something stupid. It’s way to early for self censorship.
Yesterdays post was titled shame on me and really it was fitting. My ego is taking a beating this week while I learn that I really am as weak and as human as everyone else. I think in my head I had a picture of myself looking like “That Girl” while I breezed through this whole radiation/chemo thing.
Look, she even has a hat!
I would go into work every morning, then grab my bottle of water and fly off to the hospital, do a little treatment while letting everyone bask in the glow of my positive attitude smile then back to work for a happy afternoon of taking care of business.
Well, I made it to work on Monday, and had to leave early. I didn’t make it on Tuesday, and I won’t make it today. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m still working! Thank goodness for laptops and being able to work from home, but geesh. What a rude awakening. I find myself lost in a pool of blah.
A part of me feels guilty for not taking advantage of this down time. I should be reading and enjoying the moments where I am forced into quiet. I should be riding my bike and doing nice yoga stretches. Unfortunately my brain is mush and my abdomen hurts, so no. Isn’t it odd that I didn’t actually expect it to hurt? it’s not horrible, just quite uncomfortable.
I also feel bad that everyone is being so nice to me. What did I do to deserve everyone being so nice? Nothing. Just had my cells go a little wacky. This is not an accomplishment. (Oh! That was some random weird epiphany, I only deserve to have people be nice to me if I “DO” something. So apparently I have to earn people being nice to me. Yikes!)
Yogurt & Boost for breakfast today! Yay for nutrition?