Early morning typing..

I’ll put this one protected for awhile just in case I say something stupid.  It’s way to early for self censorship.

Yesterdays post was titled shame on me and really it was fitting. My ego is taking a beating this week while I learn that I really am as weak and as human as everyone else. I think in my head I had a picture of myself looking like “That Girl” while I breezed through this whole radiation/chemo thing.

Look, she even has a hat!

I would go into work every morning, then grab my bottle of water and fly off to the hospital, do a little treatment while letting everyone bask in the glow of my positive attitude smile then back to work for a happy afternoon of taking care of business.

Well, I made it to work on Monday, and had to leave early. I didn’t make it on Tuesday, and I won’t make it today. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m still working! Thank goodness for laptops and being able to work from home, but geesh. What a rude awakening. I find myself lost in a pool of blah.

A part of me feels guilty for not taking advantage of this down time. I should be reading and enjoying the moments where I am forced into quiet. I should be riding my bike and doing nice yoga stretches. Unfortunately my brain is mush and my abdomen hurts, so no. Isn’t it odd that I didn’t actually expect it to hurt? it’s not horrible, just quite uncomfortable.

 I also feel bad that everyone is being so nice to me. What did I do to deserve everyone being so nice? Nothing. Just had my cells go a little wacky. This is not an accomplishment. (Oh! That was some random weird epiphany, I only deserve to have people be nice to me if I “DO” something. So apparently I have to earn people being nice to me. Yikes!) 

Yogurt & Boost for breakfast today! Yay for nutrition? 


Comments on: "Early morning typing.." (0)

  1. It is funny how differently you and I think.  If I were in your position, I would have assumed the worst about how the treatments would go and then would be having a much harder time with it all.  I think your way is better even if you have had to come to terms with not being “That Girl”. Be gentle on yourself, this is big, hard deal.  While it is good to have lofty goals for this period in your life, don’t be so hard on yourself if/when you can’t live up to them.  Don’t feel guilty that people are being nice to you.  People who care about you realize that during this time you may need a little more TLC, perhaps even more than you have realized you would.I hope your day goes well today. 

  2. You know…I think you are being way too hard on yourself.  The fact that you have met this head on…when a lot of people would just crumble…says a whole lot about you.  Just because your physical body isn’t impervious to pain doesn’t make you less of a person.  In fact, you have continued to post information for those who might someday find themselves in the same situation.  Providing information does not necessarily insure that the treatments will be a breeze, but it does take away the fear of what is unknown and help anyone in a similar situation to mentally prepare.  As for being “That Girl”?  Well, if you remember, even though she had a positive attitude, she still got into some messes.  It’s your strong attitude that will help see you through this.  It doesn’t hurt to be “That Girl” and have hope for the best.Now, that being said…get some rest!  (((HUGS))) 

  3. You rock, sick or not.

  4. Being human is not for sissies and you my dear are not a sissy!  Keep strong and scream every so often just to let it all out!

  5. @GoodGuyTheBoss – The other day (yesterday? I don’t even remember) I was driving home from the hospital and I was feeling weak and puny and this other strange emotion started coming over me. It was anger. I realized that I have not really expressed my anger at the situation. I am definitely angry and every once in while I will be screaming. Your sentence makes me smile, it is definitely not for sissies. Thank you.

  6. I didn’t cry until June about my cancer, when the calm of shock finally wore off.  I was a mess in June.  And probably July too!  We have to open ourselves and allow emotions.  You are brave and strong, and quite human. 

  7. If you didn’t get a little down, you wouldn’t be human. You already ARE superhuman in the way you’re handling all this sucky stuff! I would be like MB described.I had a sonogram on my kidneys one time and they kept stopping to measure things, then the girl was trying to make conversation, asking me how many kids I had etc. I kept thinking ‘she just wants to know who i’m gonna leave orphaned’. It was nothing and that kind of thinking is off the charts ridiculous…just one reason you are already inspiring to me. You seem to be a born optimist and a fighter and those things will do you well, but give yourself a break once in awhile too. If ever you deserve one, now would be the time! Just think of it as half time, then you can right back to fighting! 

  8. So, I don’t have to be nice to you any more?  Oh good, ’cause that was getting really tiresome.  You are, after all, just such an annying bitch!  (Sure hope you know I am being facetious.)I totally understand imaging that you will be the exception.  After all, you have powered through everything else thus far in your life.  Why should this be any different?But it is different.  It is a formidable foe.  I’m very glad you have found your anger.  That will help a lot!!  Fights don’t have to look dramatic.  Sometimes the biggest battles are practically invisible.  Keep on keeping on girl!

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