Archive for November, 2011

I wish I could raise one eyebrow like Leonard Nimoy (and my sister)

Somedays things just go from a little odd moment to a full blown attack of the giggles.

It’s started simply enough, and as many things do, with alcohol.


This beer is new to this area and my husband picked up a six pack of it today. He opened a bottle and poured it into a glass and then walked into the room I am in and offered me the last half inch in the bottle to try. I sipped a little (it’s good) and then as I went to put the bottle down next to me so I could grab my iPod my husband shouts out, “Well if you don’t want it, GIVE IT TO ME!” He was so oddly forceful with this statement that I stared at him for a moment trying to figure out if I misunderstood him. Then this became a whole bizarre conversation revolving around him explaining to me that it seemed I must not like it because I was putting it down next to me!. Doesn’t sound funny, but it was.

Then somehow this turned into a conversation about how he’s so odd because he’s very stressed. There’s that whole work thing AND his wife has cancer. Now I gotta admit, I probably could have been more sympathetic but he just sounded so put out that no one (including me was implied) felt sorry for him because his wife has cancer,that I burst out laughing. I think that the beer slowed his response time so I was able to pick on him at will for long moments before he caught up.

It’s good to laugh. It’s going to be a long two months.


Has anyone, anywhere, ever read “A Prayer for Owen Meaney?”

If I watch one more group of people on my television talking about other people playing football I just may hurl something at it.




To Post or not to Post

I’ve been in a non-posting frame of mind lately.

I’m very up and down. One minute I feel great and full of positivity and energy and the next minute I curl up under a blanket and feel sorry for myself. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s only been a week since my last high dose radiation so I can’t be expected to be healed yet. I think in my head I really did believe that as soon as I was done I would be all back to normal. It’s very frustrating. I make a thousand plans for things to get done in a day and get so annoyed when I don’t get them done.

The nice thing about today is that if I’m feeling this low now, I’ll probably feel great this afternoon. Nothing is more predictable than change.

People seem so mean lately. I assume it’s the season, but geesh. The other day I had an issue with a book I bought for my nook from Barnes & Noble. I had to email their support and I was so surprised when I received an answer within 24 hours and it solved my problem on the 1st email. Isn’t that horrible that it’s when things go well it’s a surprise?

Well, that’s as much as I can take! I’m freezing! Back under my blanket with my book for a bit.








Just some stuff

Good Morning!

It’s been an odd last few days for me. Still not feeling 100%, more like 60%. Everyday a little better but my biggest downfall right now is impatience. I understand quite well now all of my fellow radiation treatment veterans issues with fatigue. I have trouble staying up past 20:30 most nights and really by noon I want a nap. Eating is also at about 60%. A lot of the time I can eat whatever I want as long as I don’t eat too much, but the other 40% of the time it makes me sick. Hopefully today is in the good part of the equation!

I had a gazillion things to do this week and got done 2. I went back to my oncologist this week. I guess instead of the three month plan I will be on the two month rotation with him. I was pronounced fit & healthy and given an order for a PET scan in January with a follow up appointment on the January 30th. I intend to be a little crazy between the scan & the results.

 Hopefully tomorrow I will go visit a gym that I would like to join with my husband and make an appointment for my car. I think that is the extent of my list. I have some work to do but I can do that curled up in bed so it’s more of a motivation issue than an energy issue!


Just in case you’ve missed seeing pictures of all of my food. 🙂

These are ridiculously expensive vegan marshmallows I ordered. They were shipped to me in a padded envelope that became squished and ripped. They are now ONE BIG MARSHMALLOW! Why would you ship them that way! I was so disappointed. 😦

Dinner at Sakura Steak House with my lovely family. My husband and I split a Veggie & Tofu dinner so it was the perfect size since their dinners are large and I eat a tiny bit and he eats a lot. 🙂 Though, I certainly ate my full share!

My family (except for one missing, and the two sitting next to me!) We were all here for my nieces 12th Birthday. That’s Hayley on the far right of the table. Next to her sister Allie, and then their Mom (my sister) Erin. Next to Erin is her fella Doug, and next to Doug is my step-father Beryl. That’s it! My whole extended family. 

All right, off I go to mash some sweet potatoes and do some blending and cooking and throwing into Crockpot!



This morning I felt a little nauseated. I had to start thinking about what I ate yesterday that maybe wasn’t sitting so well. I’ve always had a sensitive stomach. Then suddenly I remembered I got dosed with radiation. How can the human mind adapt so quickly? In my head I am done with treatment so it was just no longer a factor.

I spent some time talking to one of the nurses yesterday because they have to go over all of the “discharge” instructions. At some point she very seriously explained to me that the nurses and doctors discussed me because of how I reacted to treatment. We talked about why I thought I went through treatment with so few problems. I know it probably didn’t seem that way to you guys because you only heard my complaining and stories of sickness, but really I had it easy compared to a lot of other people who had a lot less aggressive treatment. I truly think it was the time I spent the two years before getting healthy and strong, and the adjustments I made when I started feeling bad.

I have tried really hard to never fight the treatment, I tried to embrace it. Each side effect was the outward sign of the medicine or radiation working to do it’s job. When my intestines were too raw to digest solid food, I stopped fighting it and switched to soft foods so I wouldn’t make it worse. I may have complained but I also accepted. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong, but in my head I don’t think I am. I will never forget sitting in the chemo waiting room, or the actual chemo lounge and watching people eat heavy greasy food and then complain about the side effects of chemo. If you’re body is putting all of it’s energy into just trying to keep up with the stuff you’re putting in it, how can it heal? 

I am the person responsible for myself and my body. Right now I have no muscles, they’re just gone. I know they will come back if I get off my chair and start moving them. This is not a side effect of treatment. This is a side effect of me not continuing my exercise. I made that choice, the cancer didn’t. Okay, I was really tired and it would have been really hard to do much, but I could have done something, and I probably wouldn’t have lost all that muscle tone. Instead I made the choice to sleep, which I needed, and which probably also helped me recover, but again, it was my choice. Of course the side effect of that choice was also that once my shoulder and arm lost all of it’s muscle I promptly started having muscle & nerve spasms up my neck. Hello Thoracic Outlet Syndrome how could I have forgotten what fixed you to begin with.

I hope I never forget the lessons I learned the last two months. I also hope I never have to repeat the classes.

Enough introspection and self serving typing.

My son is drinking Lapsong souchong Tea these days and it is the oddest smell. It smells like a wood fire. Very odd, I don’t know how he can drink it.

Back to 1963 and Mr. King.




Holy Heck these things are HOT! Very Tasty and good, but very HOT!


I am so very tired!  This morning my eyes were all swollen and my husband said I had the face of a prize fighter. 🙂 Lucky for him, I agreed. I am hoping for some good good sleep tonight.


Tomorrow is my last radiation.





Nothing much

I heard these two quotes from PJ O’Rourke on NPR the other morning. They made me smile.

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
P. J. O’Rourke

Read more:

There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.
P. J. O’Rourke

Read more:


I also heard that he was born in Toledo, Ohio. I had no idea.

I’m sure you’ll all be happy to know that I am at the point where I seem to be able to eat anything I want! 🙂 I picked up a couple of the expensive Frozen Bento Boxes that I like from Trader Joes to celebrate. The only thing I haven’t tried yet is Mexican Food. I may do that next weekend.

It’s been a rough couple of days because:

1. my fridge died and had to suddenly go buy a new one and have it delivered (happy to be in the position that I could just go take care of it) Annoyance of finding places for food, and shopping for fridge and coping with delivery. It’s done now though

2. I have had a relapse of my Thoracic Outlet Syndrome symptoms. No one to blame but myself. I should have recognized the onset weeks ago and had a nice simple massage to fix it.  Lots of stretching and pain pills and a massage scheduled for tomorrow that will surely help and cause so much soreness.

3. Had my first HDR Cylinder treatment yesterday. It was truly to gruesomely uncomfortable and creepy to describe, so I won’t! I did however get to meet a doctor in the practice that I had not previously met and I really really liked him, and I had the really fun nurses. When dealing with something that uncomfortable it was really a blessing..(Found out I am almost maxed out on Radiation so they dropped one of the treatments, which means Friday is my 2nd and LAST.)

4. I can’t stop shaking. I am so cold all the time. (My husband covers me up with blankets when I’m shaking. It’s nice to have someone tuck you in.) I am going to go post in my little group “Ask the Doctor” on facebook where my friend the Doctor will answer random questions and everyone chimes in with opinions. Such a fun little resource.


I leave you with this random photo from my phone. I was arranging pictures in a frame and snapped this picture to remember the order. The top left is my kids and I. The top right is My sister and I. The bottom left is me, then my sister. And the bottom right is my sister and her late husband Kevin, and my niece Allie.


How long do you think it will be before the joy wears off?

Cooked with Fresh Tomato & Onion this morning. First time in 7 weeks. So good…


And I had cake!  I bought a little tiny Angel Food Cake from Trader Joes!  Num!


Oh! And I went grocery shopping yesterday! I was sad when we started driving up through Michigan and realized I completely missed the Autumn colors. In my head, it’s the beginning of October. Strange feeling.




Who feels a Gazillion times better than she did last Saturday?




It’s okay you can breath now

1.) Layoffs – Moved to Private

2.) The moment of no worry – I tried to talk about this before but I didn’t articulate it very well. I have a different example now. So, lets say it’s three months from now and I am waiting for the results of my next check-up. What if the results are going to come back bad on Monday. On Monday morning they’re going to say all a waste of treatment, got to do it again. That would mean this weekend would be my last weekend to not have cancer. This weekend would be my last moment in time to just be. No worries of treatment, no worries of family or sickness. Starting Monday my life would be completely and totally different. What would this weekend be like? I am obsessed with this line of thought. That usually means it’s leading to another thought that I need to think about. 🙂 

And if I were a person waiting for horrible news or FANTASTIC news on Monday this would be a good weekend to keepbusy and do and see things I love. Remind myself why I fight to begin with. Eat Ice Cream and walk in the fall colors.

3.) Exercise  – Yoga & Pole Dancing – I think I will give myself two more weeks to regain some strength and then I go back to workouts. My body looks so funny with no muscles. I will go back to Yoga and I think I will finally do a Pole Dancing class. I think that will be a fun start to get some energy back in my body. Then it will be time to add machines again. Oh, and my bike of course.

4.) Pumpkin Pie shampoo – I use WEN Cleansing Conditioner. I had to re-order last week and they had a seasonal version which is Pumpkin PIE! I ordered it. I couldn’t help it.  It smells really good, but the smell doesn’t seem to stay on your hair. 

Last night I got about six inches cut off my hair 🙂 My hair was nasty from the chemo & radiation. Really thin andbreaking. It’s still falling out, a lot, but this should at least help it look less scraggly for a bit. When straightened my hairwas down to my elbows. Now it’s at my shoulders. I had to warn the lady, that if she sees me somewhere and my hairwas gone don’t take it personally, it’s just chemo. 🙂

5.) Sense of smell – Speaking of smelling really good, my sense of smell is crazy now. It started about two weeks ago. I swear I can smell things from across the street. Everything smells good. I recall this happening when I was pregnant too. Suddenly I craved scents. I keep wanting to follow the scents to see what it is that I’m smelling. I picture myself looking like a Beagle on the trail of food. 🙂


I want to hug everyone today. I want everyone to know how wonderful you are and how much I appreciate what you have done for me in the last three months. I would not have made it through this without the support of so many people.


We needed a picture today. I went into my Xanga photos and went all the way back to the beginning. This is one from Thanksgiving, maybe five years ago? We were driving home from my sisters and a fog had settled in her neighborhood. I took a picture from the car and they all came out a little fuzzy and moody. Loved it.

Breathless with anticipation

Things to talk about when I get a chance to blog:

1.) Layoffs

2.) The moment of no worry.

3.) Exercise  – Yoga & Pole Dancing

4.) Pumpkin Pie shampoo

5.) Sense of smell

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