Archive for November 19, 2011


This morning I felt a little nauseated. I had to start thinking about what I ate yesterday that maybe wasn’t sitting so well. I’ve always had a sensitive stomach. Then suddenly I remembered I got dosed with radiation. How can the human mind adapt so quickly? In my head I am done with treatment so it was just no longer a factor.

I spent some time talking to one of the nurses yesterday because they have to go over all of the “discharge” instructions. At some point she very seriously explained to me that the nurses and doctors discussed me because of how I reacted to treatment. We talked about why I thought I went through treatment with so few problems. I know it probably didn’t seem that way to you guys because you only heard my complaining and stories of sickness, but really I had it easy compared to a lot of other people who had a lot less aggressive treatment. I truly think it was the time I spent the two years before getting healthy and strong, and the adjustments I made when I started feeling bad.

I have tried really hard to never fight the treatment, I tried to embrace it. Each side effect was the outward sign of the medicine or radiation working to do it’s job. When my intestines were too raw to digest solid food, I stopped fighting it and switched to soft foods so I wouldn’t make it worse. I may have complained but I also accepted. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong, but in my head I don’t think I am. I will never forget sitting in the chemo waiting room, or the actual chemo lounge and watching people eat heavy greasy food and then complain about the side effects of chemo. If you’re body is putting all of it’s energy into just trying to keep up with the stuff you’re putting in it, how can it heal? 

I am the person responsible for myself and my body. Right now I have no muscles, they’re just gone. I know they will come back if I get off my chair and start moving them. This is not a side effect of treatment. This is a side effect of me not continuing my exercise. I made that choice, the cancer didn’t. Okay, I was really tired and it would have been really hard to do much, but I could have done something, and I probably wouldn’t have lost all that muscle tone. Instead I made the choice to sleep, which I needed, and which probably also helped me recover, but again, it was my choice. Of course the side effect of that choice was also that once my shoulder and arm lost all of it’s muscle I promptly started having muscle & nerve spasms up my neck. Hello Thoracic Outlet Syndrome how could I have forgotten what fixed you to begin with.

I hope I never forget the lessons I learned the last two months. I also hope I never have to repeat the classes.

Enough introspection and self serving typing.

My son is drinking Lapsong souchong Tea these days and it is the oddest smell. It smells like a wood fire. Very odd, I don’t know how he can drink it.

Back to 1963 and Mr. King.



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