This morning I felt a little nauseated. I had to start thinking about what I ate yesterday that maybe wasn’t sitting so well. I’ve always had a sensitive stomach. Then suddenly I remembered I got dosed with radiation. How can the human mind adapt so quickly? In my head I am done with treatment so it was just no longer a factor.

I spent some time talking to one of the nurses yesterday because they have to go over all of the “discharge” instructions. At some point she very seriously explained to me that the nurses and doctors discussed me because of how I reacted to treatment. We talked about why I thought I went through treatment with so few problems. I know it probably didn’t seem that way to you guys because you only heard my complaining and stories of sickness, but really I had it easy compared to a lot of other people who had a lot less aggressive treatment. I truly think it was the time I spent the two years before getting healthy and strong, and the adjustments I made when I started feeling bad.

I have tried really hard to never fight the treatment, I tried to embrace it. Each side effect was the outward sign of the medicine or radiation working to do it’s job. When my intestines were too raw to digest solid food, I stopped fighting it and switched to soft foods so I wouldn’t make it worse. I may have complained but I also accepted. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong, but in my head I don’t think I am. I will never forget sitting in the chemo waiting room, or the actual chemo lounge and watching people eat heavy greasy food and then complain about the side effects of chemo. If you’re body is putting all of it’s energy into just trying to keep up with the stuff you’re putting in it, how can it heal? 

I am the person responsible for myself and my body. Right now I have no muscles, they’re just gone. I know they will come back if I get off my chair and start moving them. This is not a side effect of treatment. This is a side effect of me not continuing my exercise. I made that choice, the cancer didn’t. Okay, I was really tired and it would have been really hard to do much, but I could have done something, and I probably wouldn’t have lost all that muscle tone. Instead I made the choice to sleep, which I needed, and which probably also helped me recover, but again, it was my choice. Of course the side effect of that choice was also that once my shoulder and arm lost all of it’s muscle I promptly started having muscle & nerve spasms up my neck. Hello Thoracic Outlet Syndrome how could I have forgotten what fixed you to begin with.

I hope I never forget the lessons I learned the last two months. I also hope I never have to repeat the classes.

Enough introspection and self serving typing.

My son is drinking Lapsong souchong Tea these days and it is the oddest smell. It smells like a wood fire. Very odd, I don’t know how he can drink it.

Back to 1963 and Mr. King.



Comments on: "Lucky" (0)

  1. This is a lovely post. I know that sounds dumb but it makes me feel positive about life! Your muscles will come back. I know you will start working those weak muscles as soon as you can. Think water aerobics if you can get a class close. It will be the easiest way to jump start the muscle tone.Good going girl!

  2. your strength, and your muscles, will recover,———– and you will come back better and stronger than ever. Promise.

  3. I have no doubt that your work and your spirit had everything to do with how you’ve handled treatment! It must’ve been almost painful to watch those ppl and their greasy food….Your muscle tone will be back in no time. I really applaud you, knowing how to listen to your body and give it what it needed. Attitude has soo much to do with recovery from anything. Tracy, you’re a brave woman who knows how to fight like a girl! I bet the word survivor has never held so much meaning.And for all you’ve been thru, I think your complaining was very minimal. If you had complained any less, i would wonder if the treatments were doing what they were supposed to! So glad you’re done, and sending healthy vibes that it’s the last time you EVER have to go thru it!!

  4. Excellent   Yes – I do believe that too, that you did excellent prep by changing your lifestyle long before.  Your body was prepped and ready for the war it was about to wage.  Good stuff   I have recently gone back to my lean meats/veggies/fruits/fat free dairy/whole grains way of life and after Five Guys with my boys last night – oh ugh!  The buger sat like lead in my stomach.  Blah.  So happy your’re out the other side of this.  You’re still the first name I say at sunrise – which I hope doesn’t make you feel weirded out – it’s just how I begin my “Hi God, me again…” conversations beside the ocean.  Take good care. 

  5. I reallt think you did well for all you went through I really admire your will power you are the bombI understand not wanting to move around I have not moved around alot since I broke my shoulder when I start to ache I quit and sit down and I am so far out of shape it is not funny so it is going to be a long road back to feeling good again… and yes I did the getting out of shape thing to myself and I also did the not eating right thing all to myself to which added ten un-needed pounds…

  6. Tracy;…Sappy here for a moment.  This post brought tears to my eyes.  I cannot put into words how I feel about you, your attitude, your aura, just you.  You are awesome, you handled all of this with grace, you tried to help everyone who loves you thru this horrible momentary event in your life…you’ve processed and shared all of your horrible moments in order to help anyone else who has, is or may go thru it.  I love you dearly and so awed that Karma, or whatever it is, brought you into my life.  I love you dearly!  Thank you.

  7. If I were a medical provider, you would be the type of patient I would wish for.  You have shown so much courage and grace through all of this.  You are totally an inspiration.  Not so sure I could do the same. 

  8. I agree with your philosophy that your body is working hard to heal, and that you should make everything else easy on it. Sleep is healing.Lapsang is the strangest smelling tea EVER. Do you have a tea ball?

  9. You are an admirable woman πŸ™‚ You’ve done so well throughout this and I totally see what you mean about treating your body right…why eat all that stuff if you’re just gonna get sick from it? You will get your health back – of that I have absolutely no doubt πŸ™‚

  10. @GoodGuyTheBoss – Thank you, it’s really a lovely compliment!@roscoes_farm – You betcha! @strawberryfieldsgirl – Thank you Tami. I’m always startled when something I write that comes across to me as kind of selfish and small gets a reaction like this. You’re a nice person.@Kissedbyadog – How could I feel weirded out? I am so lucky with the people I have around me both here and in my “real” life. I am so thankful for people like you who have never met me, but care about me@SisterMae – I hope you take care of yourself. Pain is no fun!

  11. @Emme402 – I have read your posts and I disagree. You are one tough chickie. @Mom_with_a_Chainsaw – I do not have a tea ball. I have in the past but I switched to a french press or a tea strainer that drops in my cup and sits on the rim. I like to watch my tea leaves float around!  My favorite tea is an Almond Oolong from Adagio teas. After typing this I realized I haven’t had any for awhile. It’s my winter tea. It’s probably time to order more!

  12. @isitreal_no – YOU!  I think you’re just the cutest little thing and I hope you are feeling great! Take care of yourself.

  13. @Ninasusan – I had to save you till last. You know I adore you. I don’t think anyone would understand unless they met you in person. I’ve never met anyone that I so instantly felt comfortable and at home with. My Nina, you are amazing.

  14. I have said it before and will say it again… you are my hero… your attitude through your journey inspired me to deal with mine… you never sounded whiny or complaining to me… more matter of fact, this is how it is… and I hope that you do not have to repeat any of it as well!

  15. you’re just amazing!  did you finish the book yet? 

  16. You are doing an amazing job!  You look at things in such a positive way! And you are right about how you took care of yourself so well before hand.  That does make a big differance.  I just wish I had the will power to get back on track of taking care of me.  Ummm, I love tea.  Hot or cold.  But that sounds awful!Blessing to you for a wonderful Thanksgiving!

  17. @travelerblue – I finished it this morning. Went into work 30 minutes late so I could. πŸ™‚  Loved it.

  18. @GrannyHappyNanny – Thank you so much! I hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving too!

  19. I have some friends who brew their own mushroom tea. Blech!Hey, don’t feel bad about the loss of muscle tone. You *did* need that rest and recovery. Just take it slowly and deliberately and you’ll continue to become more healthy.

  20. It seems every time I started to read this post the phone rang or someone needed me or some such thing.  I wanted to really give it my full attention.When you first announced that you had cancer, my mind simply couldn’t comprehend it.  I was devastated.  I thought well, no not her, she takes cares of herself so well, she’s so young and that is just not fair.  It took me a long time to wrap my mind around the reality.Then when you started talking about the treatment, you sounded so strong and empowered and I was freaked again because the people I have known have suffered so much through treatment.  I know it wasn’t all puppy dogs and rainbows for you but really, compared to those I have known, you sailed through it.  You somehow embraced it all and through that you seemed to make it easier on yourself.You have such an incredible spirit.  It serves you well and encourages those around you and I feel amazingly blessed to know you.  I am so glad it went so well for you!

  21. @skanickadee – My sweet Mary Beth.I’ll tell you a secret, I was pretty devastated too. Sometimes still am. Good days and bad days. πŸ™‚

  22. @tracy – I don’t know how anyone could get that diagnosis and not be devastated.  You have gone through a life changing experience with such grace.  Soon there will be more good than bad days!

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