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Archive for April 5, 2012

destinations

This is the hallway at my office building.  It is a pretty long & fairly narrow hallway.  I am standing out side of my office door and looking towards the elevators as I take this picture. Next to the elevators are the bathrooms and just around the corner is the communal kitchen.

 

Every time I go down this hallway, which these days I do a lot, there is someone else coming from the other direction.  It’s such a long hallway that you are staring at the other person for a good long time usually. It’s uncomfortable. You can smile, you can even say good morning..then what?  Where do you look?

This afternoon for lunch I am going to Costco to pick up Muscle Milk to try. It would be handy to have on vacation. I have also ordered small amounts of two other supplements to try. I do not think they will get here before vacation.  I had a great day yesterday and felt really good almost all day until I ate a small peanut butter sandwich. Just peanut butter and on Udi gluten free bread. I’ve had it before with no problem but I think one slice of bread is my limit. So, uncomfortable but not horrible night, and fairly unpleasant morning! This is my list of foods I know I can eat safely in reasonable amounts, Rice, white potatoes (baked, boiled, or mashed) sweet potato (ditto) Udi bread, very small amounts of peanut butter, rice noodles, coconut milk yogurt. I throw various types of sauces on top of my potatoes & rices & noodles so for now this is a good list! If the muscle milk is tolerated that would be a very good thing!

 

Have I told you about my fears about this whole irradiated intestinal saga? My only real fear is that I’m causing myself long term emotional damage. As someone who has had a few years of struggling with food & trying to keep my weight under control I am worried that this will cause me to develop some sort of eating disorder. I look at food differently now. Sometimes I look at it in fear. I think about eating and I get nauseated. I worry that if this goes on too long that may be a permanent thing. Then I also worry that I’m enjoying this too much. It’s like the easy way to lose weight ever. if you get sick when you eat foods that make you gain weight, believe me you will not eat them for long! So, now I’m losing weight. I’m getting close to where I have been struggling to get to for years.  What if it stops? What if my brain starts saying, remember the good old days when you couldn’t eat and you lost all that weight? Will I eat something that I know will start the cycle all over again for awhile?  Like a nice big salad filled with croutons & bread and maybe a nice cup of cheese?  Just things I think about.

 

 

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