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destinations

This is the hallway at my office building.  It is a pretty long & fairly narrow hallway.  I am standing out side of my office door and looking towards the elevators as I take this picture. Next to the elevators are the bathrooms and just around the corner is the communal kitchen.

 

Every time I go down this hallway, which these days I do a lot, there is someone else coming from the other direction.  It’s such a long hallway that you are staring at the other person for a good long time usually. It’s uncomfortable. You can smile, you can even say good morning..then what?  Where do you look?

This afternoon for lunch I am going to Costco to pick up Muscle Milk to try. It would be handy to have on vacation. I have also ordered small amounts of two other supplements to try. I do not think they will get here before vacation.  I had a great day yesterday and felt really good almost all day until I ate a small peanut butter sandwich. Just peanut butter and on Udi gluten free bread. I’ve had it before with no problem but I think one slice of bread is my limit. So, uncomfortable but not horrible night, and fairly unpleasant morning! This is my list of foods I know I can eat safely in reasonable amounts, Rice, white potatoes (baked, boiled, or mashed) sweet potato (ditto) Udi bread, very small amounts of peanut butter, rice noodles, coconut milk yogurt. I throw various types of sauces on top of my potatoes & rices & noodles so for now this is a good list! If the muscle milk is tolerated that would be a very good thing!

 

Have I told you about my fears about this whole irradiated intestinal saga? My only real fear is that I’m causing myself long term emotional damage. As someone who has had a few years of struggling with food & trying to keep my weight under control I am worried that this will cause me to develop some sort of eating disorder. I look at food differently now. Sometimes I look at it in fear. I think about eating and I get nauseated. I worry that if this goes on too long that may be a permanent thing. Then I also worry that I’m enjoying this too much. It’s like the easy way to lose weight ever. if you get sick when you eat foods that make you gain weight, believe me you will not eat them for long! So, now I’m losing weight. I’m getting close to where I have been struggling to get to for years.  What if it stops? What if my brain starts saying, remember the good old days when you couldn’t eat and you lost all that weight? Will I eat something that I know will start the cycle all over again for awhile?  Like a nice big salad filled with croutons & bread and maybe a nice cup of cheese?  Just things I think about.

 

 

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Comments on: "destinations" (0)

  1. what is Muscle Milk?  protein added?look at their boobs.  even on guys.your eating/food situation has to be difficult.  we who haven’t been there can’t know what it’s like.  but I do feel for you, and I do hope you find a healthy resolution to it.

  2. @plantinthewindow – Thanks! Muscle Milk is a liquid supplement that you are supposed to drink when you work out alot to build muscle. It is non-diary and full of vitamins. I am not normally a fan of supplements but I’ve had to let go of my need to be natural and just look for sustenance. I can tell you know that I’ve had a drink that it does not taste good!  Hopefully though it will be non irritating to my digestive system.

  3. I think you’re approaching it in the right way.  You’re educating yourself on good nutrition and sustenance in the way that you’re able to digest it.  I think it’s natural to have the fear and the what if’s given what you’ve gone through and the length of time it will take to recover.  The entire process has got to be one gigantic learning curve.  I hope that the coming days bring you longer bouts of feeling better.

  4. That is why you take your phone or Blackberry with you. Check your calendar or some such thing.I’m surprised you can eat sweet potatoes. Well, that is a good thing because they are so good for you. Can you eat bananas or apple sauce?  What about cream of rice cereal? I guess that is so much like rice so why bother.The eating disorder crossed my mind but I think in the end you will know what is best for your body and you seem to care so much about doing the right thing for your health that I don’t think you won’t go down that road. I think you won’t want to damage your body like that.

  5. Hang in there Tracy, you will do all this just great I bet!

  6. @RakkaRay – Thank you Ray!  I’m doing my best. I get a little whiny sometimes but a couple of hours later I’m all back to happy happy joy again. πŸ™‚ It helps so much to talk about it here and to have other people who have been there before me and come out the other side with a smile.

  7. And BTW a little whining now and then is perfectly normal and okay!  I’m so glad that you do bounce back so quickly to the positive, though.  It seems like you are ahead of schedule on that part.

  8. @RakkaRay – Thank you!  That made me feel better. πŸ™‚

  9. I totally understand the hallway thing.Hmmm interesting thoughts about the eating disorder…really interesting.

  10. On the other hand adipex is made from phentermine . This medicine is mostly suggested to people who are facing serious health problems due to obesity, For example: High blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes etc.Adipex

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